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Ask A Therapist: My Husband Takes No Responsibility and Moves From Job To Job

Q: I need help! My husband takes no responsibility and jumps from the one job to the next. I have a lot of financial stress on me as I have supported him and his two children for more than a year when he was without a job. Now he is in the same predicamment. When he does have a job it is as if he doesnt care and blames the job if they find fault with him. I cannot handle this anymore. What must I do?

A: I am glad you reached out.  I think you would be surprised to know how many feel they are in a similar situation, especially in the last several years with the economic downturn.  It can often be draining and difficult to feel like you must support everyone, or all the weight is on your shoulders, especially when you would like to share, or expect to share the load.

From your question it sounds like something is going on for your husband, however the reason for this bouncing from one job to the next could be a result of several different sources.  It may be that your husband is trying to defer some insecurity in himself outwardly onto his employers.  When people do not feel confident in their own abilities, and perform accordingly, it is easier to put the blame on someone else.  Or, it is possible that these behaviors could result from depression or anxiety.  There are many possibilities, but the result often indicates that something is going on below the surface.

My recommendation for you, if you feel comfortable with this and think it would go well with your husband, would be to have some conversations discussing your desire to have a partnership in the marriage.  Discuss how you would like to share the financial drains and how you are feeling about the situation (try to stay with yourself and your own feelings).  I would stress your desire to feel a companionship with him.

I would also recommend seeking some professional help.  It seems from your comments that this stress may be affecting your ability to connect with your spouse.  When you cannot connect, the stressors often feel more overwhelming.  Obtaining professional help should not only help your relationship with your husband and your ability to communicate these stressors with him, but also discuss whatever insecurities/depression/anxiety, etc may be present for him that may be getting in the way of being successful in his employment.

Good luck and take good care of yourself,

Chelsea Madsen

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Valentine Gift Ideas For Your Spouse

I am often asked, as a specialized marriage/couple therapist, what would be a good “relationship enhancing gift” for a significant other on Valentine’s day.  My recommendations are not necessarily all tangible items, but gifts that can increase happiness and satisfaction within your relationship.  Here are a few ideas that keep giving throughout the year.

hearts and flowers
Creative Commons License photo credit: Muffet

 

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The Gift of Closeness

If you can imagine nothing better than a more loving and secure relationship with your husband or wife, consider giving your spouse the gift of closeness for Christmas this year.

“Hold Me Tight” is an eight-session couple’s workshop based on Dr. Sue Johnson’s book “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” that has helped thousands of couples throughout the world repair, enhance, and grow their love relationship.  You will learn the new science of love, how to fix mistakes and overcome past hurts, and how to create the tender and intimate relationship you have always wanted.

Classes begin January 10th from 7-9 pm

Gift Certificates Available

Space is limited. Register now!

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