Desire discrepancy in couples is one of the most common sources of distress within sexual relationships. Couples may find themselves in situations where one parter is the high desire partner (HDP) and the other is the low desire partner (LDP). These labels can lead one or both partners to feel broken and blamed for problems in the relationship. Other couples may find resentment builds when their partner either “doesn’t want them sexually” or “only wants them for sexual release”.
If you and your partner are stuck in this sort of dynamic, first, know that neither one of you is broken. All levels of desire are normal, and very few relationships involve couples with consistently balanced interest in sex.
Second, if you can step away from looking at your partner’s level of sexual desire as the problem, it will be much easier to work together to bridge the gap.
Bridging The Gap:
If you find yourself wanting sex more often than your partner, ask yourself, “what am I horny for”. Dr. Neil Cannon lists the following as motives for seeking sex:
When you identify what your motive for sex is, you can examine whether some of those desires could be met in other ways. This begins to reduce pressure on your partner, narrowing the gap between your experienced desire.
Another tool you can use to help bridge gaps in desire is to identify, as Emily Nagoski calls them, your sexual brakes and accelerators. What turns you on? What turns you off? How can you as an individual and as a couple work to minimize brakes and maximize accelerators?
One huge brake many individuals experience is not enjoying the sex they are having. This is usually a result of poor communication or shame surrounding sexuality. Using the brakes and accelerators framework can be a great way to improve communication about sexual preferences. Make sure you speak up so your partner knows what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy. Make sure to listen so you really hear what your partner is sharing with you. Think of this as an opportunity to learn about your partner, increasing mutual pleasure and satisfaction in your relationship.
Lastly, try scheduling sex in your calendar. On the appointed day, work on managing your own brakes/accelerators to help you get in the mood. Recognize when there are things you can do to help your partner look forward to the experience with positive anticipation. Text and flirt throughout the day. Make sure that when it comes down to it, saying “not tonight”, is still an option, this reduces pressure. If you are the partner who wants to say no, consider saying yes to something else instead. For example, “I’m really not feeling up to penetrative sex tonight, but I’d love to cuddle, skin to skin”, or, “I’m not feeling up for penis-in-vagina sex at the moment, but I’d really love to just make out with you”. Then leave the door open for whatever may (or may not) follow, pressure free. Regardless of the outcome, you will feel more connected and you will have improved your ability to communicate about your wants and desires.
If you’d like to learn more about bridging a desire gap in your relationship, call 801-944-4555 to schedule a session with Alice today.
Have you ever wondered as you watch your husband check out
yet another Super Bowl what he is truly thinking? Whether you’re even on his
sports radar? Whether you even matter to him?
Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh. Perhaps its whether you enter his male
brain on a regular basis. As a therapist who has worked with men for 20 years,
I can state unequivocally that he is aware of you. How aware you ask? Quite aware so much so that this blog post
may be very surprising (and trust building!) to you.
#1)He Absolutely Loves It When You Notice Him
Really see him. How handsome he is. How he looks. How much he truly means to you. How sexy he is in those jeans that fit ‘just right.’ Although he won’t mention this to you, he totally loves it when you notice him. Men absolutely want to believe that they’re super handsome to their wives. Desired completely by you, his wife. Desirable as your wonderful husband. You can help him believe this by truly noticing him often.
#2) It’s Really NOT All About Sex
Although you may get totally different signals from him,
he’s absolutely not thinking about sex 24/7. Just as you’re not emotionally focused
constantly (gender stereotype!), men simply aren’t focused sexually every
moment of their day. In fact, men actually desire affection almost as much as
women do. Men in Utah love to be hugged. Kissed. Touched. And!
Men want to cuddle with “no strings attached” in bed. Truly! He isn’t planning
on the holding you close leading to sex every time either. Take a risk and ask
him if this isn’t correct. But, be ready to be surprised by his answer!
#3) He’s Like A Teenage Female Emotionally Inside!
Men are awash with emotions inside that they will never
admit to. He’s actually quite similar to a 16 year old girl. I’m not kidding.
Truthfully, he’s often an absolute mess of emotions inside that rugged male
exterior. Since men are raised to not share emotions/feelings, never admitting to
this makes complete sense to him. To be vulnerable or to risk sharing appears
“weak” to a man. Not masculine at all! Please know that when it seems like nothing
is bothering him, that something very likely is bothering him. You’ll likely find this to be quite exasperating,
but know it’s the truth. What can you do? Please check out the next secret for details.
#4) He Desperately Wants To Talk To You
He definitely wants to talk to you. Connectively. Openly.
Frequently. All hours of the day. But! He is totally baffled on how to make this
connection. Since you’ve likely demanded that he talk to you openly in the
past, throw that idea out with the trash. It just won’t work. You need to make
talking openly safe for him. It’s safe when you’re not demanding or seemingly
dramatic. It’s safe when you talk on his terms. His terms may be after the Utah
Jazz basketball game. His terms could be after a great date night at his
favorite restaurant. Friday night NOT Saturday morning. Oh and please do some
relationship research here. Actually risk and ask him about this!
#5) He Really Does Desire Compliments From You
Compliments are really different from noticing him as noted
above in #1. Compliments include telling
him how awesome he is for doing the dishes (another cool way is just saying “nice”
things to him). That he actually remembered to take the trash out today. For
working so hard for his family to bring home the paycheck each week. And, absolutely
don’t get stuck on the “why doesn’t he compliment me more often” mantra. Please
know that his brain is wired to relish being appreciated by you. It’s not wimpy.
It’s not being weak. It’s not even unmanly. It’s truly a marriage connection secret
that can pay you huge dividends in your relationship. Do you want a better,
more focused husband? Compliment him! Compliments = LOVE to most men.
#6) He Knows You’re Not Nagging Him
You definitely know what I’m saying here ladies. When you’ve
asked him 50 times to clean up after himself. Put away his workout shoes. Lift
the darn seat. Clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen table after an impromptu
snack. He then goes to the “stop nagging me” mantra because he totally knows
you’re right. He absolutely knows that
you’re right. He just doesn’t have the word vocabulary to battle back with your
superior brain. So very true!!!
#7) He Totally Thinks About You!
Often. Throughout his day. In the morning as he drives to his
work office. During his work day and almost always at lunch. Even on his
pilgrimage home after a trying work day. Please know that husbands often get so
busy that they just can’t call or text you. Or even get away to have lunch with
you. Even though he would definitely love to be able to do so. But! Know that
you’re frequently on his mind. Sometimes its about his kids. Or about this Saturday’s
date with you his amazing wife. Just understand that he’s working for you.
Thinking of you. Absolutely desiring to be with you.
One More Iconic thought on Seven Connection Secrets
If one of these 7 trust
building secrets has hit home with you, why not act on it right away? If you’ve
held back on complimenting him in the past, switch it up and compliment him today.
If you have believed that he doesn’t want to chat with you, pick the right
moment this Sunday and simply chat him up. Seriously! Just do it. Be willing to
reach out to him and be vulnerable. Truly risk. You’re marriage is definitely worth
it. And so are you!!!
Michael Boman, LCSW
is a therapist for Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake City. He specializes in assisting
couples improve their marriage connection and affection. He is accepting new
clients on a limited basis. He can be reached by emailing Info@wasatchfamilytherapy.com
Being a marriage therapist is an interesting and fulfilling profession. One unique aspect of this job is that people want to ask my opinion on a regular basis. When I attend wedding showers, the room gets eerily quiet when it is my turn to give advice to the bride to be. One piece of advice I give regularly and often, is to connect with your spouse on a daily basis. This can happen in many different ways, however I think that daily talk time is an effective and powerful way to increase emotional intimacy that will help you feel connected to your spouse. Many times life gets so busy we forget how to talk with our partner. Here are three questions that can jump start your daily talk time.
What went well in your day today?
What did not go as you expected?
What are some ways I can help you tomorrow?
These questions open up a dialogue about your day and what went well and poorly. The last question helps your spouse feel that you are invested in their day going well and shows your support of that happening. If you feel that some growth is needed in your relationship I urge you to start daily talk time. Ten minutes a day can make a big difference in your marriage. Start with these questions and see where the conversation goes.
As a clinician who frequently works with sexual problems, I talk about genitals a lot! A lot! As I embark on these conversations with my clients, I have noticed how many people either don’t use the correct words for their genitals, or don’t even say the words at all. One of the most common errors I see is that people commonly say men have a penis and women have a vagina. While this is true, they are not the equivalent of one another.
I see this error in common culture verbiage also, people
referring to the female genitalia only as her vagina. The vagina however is one
part of the female genitals. It is the canal that leads from the vaginal
opening to the cervix. This is an internal part of the female anatomy. I hear
many people use the word “vagina” to refer to a woman’s external genitalia.
This would be somewhat equivalent to calling the male external genitals a vas
deferens (male internal tube) instead of a penis.
What people mean to say is that men have a penis and women
have a vulva. Vulva is the correct term to refer to the external female
genitals. It is made up of the 2 sets of lips called the labia majora and
minora. It protects the internal components of the female reproductive system.
So, next time you say the word vagina, make sure you are
referring to the correct anatomy. If you have never even said the word vulva, I
encourage you to start using it as the appropriate term for female external
that is human is mentionable and anything mentionable can be more manageable.
When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting,
and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know
we are not alone.” – Fred Rogers
I love this quote from Mr. Rogers; it is the epitome of what I believe as a therapist and strive to achieve with my clients. We are all human and we have immense capacity for handling emotions, but sometimes those emotions feel completely and utterly overwhelming. Having a person that we can trust can make those emotions feel more manageable and we might, just maybe, even be able to talk about them more openly.
We all want to feel like we matter and that
someone cares about us; that is a universal human desire. No one wants to feel
like they are all alone in this life, but often that is a feeling that we
experience. How do we combat those feelings of being alone, isolated, not
heard, or not cared for? Connection. Connection to someone or something that
allows us to feel seen, heard, and understood. Connection requires vulnerability
and vulnerability can be scary. Let’s be honest, we have all probably experienced
a situation that we chose to bury, ignore, or deny an emotion rather than risk
being hurt by being vulnerable and sharing.
Many of us grew up with Mr. Rogers as our introduction into learning about feelings. He didn’t shy away from talking about the hard topics either: death, divorce, pain, rage, and anger all featured on his show aimed at children. His forthright presentation of issues that we, as human beings, all struggle with was not typical for the time where children were, largely, encouraged to be seen and not heard. How refreshing to help children, and the adults that we became, to learn to recognize, identify, and name the emotions that we were feeling and that it was ok to be scared, it’s human. And if it’s human, then it’s mentionable and manageable with a little help from our friends in the neighborhood. In the words of Mr. Rogers, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”
Saraf, P., Turtletaub, M., Holzer, L. (Producers), & Heller, M. (Director).
(2019) A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood [Motion Picture]. United
States: Tristar Pictures.
Sexuality is a charged topic for both adults and some children. Messages about what behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate are woven into the fabric of our cultural traditions, moral codes of conduct, and family systems. Negative messages cause a great deal of harm, mainly when the message contains sexual shaming. Masturbation is one of these topics.
Masturbation is extremely common, yet because it is private, we don’t talk about it with our children or a spouse. According to research, self-stimulation is a normal activity experienced by nearly all people starting at very young ages and can be observed in utero (Yang et al., 2005). Masturbation (like any behavior) can be both healthy and problematic; it is also experienced differently based on age. It well understood that nearly all males and most females will, at some point in their lifetime, masturbate.
When is it Healthy?
Nearly all professionals agree age-appropriate stages of self-stimulation is healthy. For example, exploring one’s body and how it responds sexually is a beneficial aspect of maturation. Men and women can learn what an orgasm is, so they are better equipped to educate their spouse on what types of sexual touch they enjoy. Also, individuals can use masturbation to self-sooth as a coping mechanism for mood regulation. For many people who (for whatever reason) are not in an intimate relationship, masturbation can be a healthy outlet to release sexual tension. Many relationships do not have an equal balance of libido. For some “higher libido” partners, masturbation can offer a method to balance sexual needs.
When is it Not Healthy?
Behaviors become problematic when they negatively impact, work, school, or one’s social life. Like all sexual behaviors, masturbation may conflict with religious values. In a recent study from students at Brigham Young University, researchers reported the perception of pornography (a common corollary with masturbation) is the primary predictor of negative outcomes, not the pornography use itself (Leonhardt, Willoughby, Young-Peterse, 2018). It is important to inventory what our values are and why we have them. It can be helpful to challenge what we believe, while still honoring our values and the values of others. In many situations, individuals with strict religious tenets regarding masturbation find themselves in harmful shame cycles leading to increased rates of depression, compulsivity, or suicidal ideation (Beagan & Hattie, 2015). Researchers don’t diminish the value of traditional moral values. However, they do suggest creating a healthy relationship with our values within the normal range of human experiences.
Myths about Masturbation
We tell stories and create myths to justify attitudes about sexuality. Some common myths include masturbation causes homosexuality, is an addiction, leads to infidelity, will lower sexual desire, create hypersexuality, may cause you to go blind, and causes cancer in men. These things are not true. However, there are things that do occur. For example, a partner may feel betrayed when they learn their spouse masturbates. Couples can contract what cheating is, and what betrayal is. Feelings of betrayal are especially common when erotic material is involved. People engage in negatively impacting habit-forming behaviors with all sorts of things, including masturbation. Also, some coping mechanisms prevent healthy attachment in relationships.
Talking about Masturbation to our Children
It’s helpful for parents to have discussions with their children about masturbation in age-appropriate ways. For example, 5-year-old children don’t typically need to learn about orgasm mechanics, but talking about what “feels good” is more appropriate. Also, shaming a child by saying, “don’t touch that,” could be replaced with useful comments such as “that feels good, maybe you should do that in private.”. Children without parental guidance will learn about masturbation from friends or erotic material. Pornography doesn’t typically represent healthy sexual education. It is also beneficial to create safety for children, so as they begin to explore their sexuality (in person or with others), they feel safe to engage a parent about their experiences. Normalizing sexual desire, response, and anxieties create wellbeing for developing children. Lastly, it’s helpful to remember that not all children have the same sexual interests, levels of desire, or attractions at the same age as other children. It’s important to meet our children where they are at.
Talking about Masturbation to a Partner
An important aspect of contracting between couples includes the topic of masturbation. As a part of healthy sexual practices, discussing what is acceptable (or not) is essential. While there are many options, some couples will incorporate self-pleasuring behaviors into their relationship as a method to balance sex-drive differences. Often one partner may feel betrayal if they learn their spouse masturbates. When couples talk openly with each other about their feelings and attitudes regarding sexuality, it usually removes the stress in these situations. A good place to start is becoming aware of your own sexual biases and perspectives. Some couples find it helpful to discuss these feelings with a competent therapist. It’s important to remember masturbation doesn’t constitute cheating. Marriage isn’t the antidote for fulfilling all sexual needs. Many married people masturbate. Much of the time, masturbation creates better sexual experiences for couples.
Talking about Masturbation to Church Leaders
In many faith traditions, ecclesiastical leaders counsel parishioners regarding sexual behavior. Not all religions have sex-positive perspectives. In many cases, such leaders have no training regarding sexuality, trauma, or psychological situations. A lack of training can be problematic. This doesn’t suggest the support of an ecclesiastical leader cannot be helpful. Individuals seeking counsel from their church leader should remember boundaries are essential. It’s okay to tell a church leader what questions or statements are inappropriate or feel uncomfortable. This is especially true for parents whose children may be questioned regarding their sexual behavior, to communicate what forms of communication are acceptable and what is not.
Leonhardt, N. D., Willoughby, B. J., & Young-Petersen, B. (2018). Damaged goods: Perception of pornography addiction as a mediator between religiosity and relationship anxiety surrounding pornography use. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(3), 357-368.
Beagan, B. L., & Hattie, B. (2015). Religion, spirituality, and LGBTQ identity integration. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling, 9(2), 92-117.Yang, M. L., Fullwood, E., Goldstein, J., & Mink, J. W. (2005). Masturbation in infancy and early childhood presenting as a movement disorder: 12 cases and a review of the literature. Pediatrics, 116(6), 1427-1432.
A 1999 study (Berman J, Berman L, Goldstein I. Female sexual dysfunction: incidence, pathophysiology, evaluation, and treatment options. Urology. 1999;54:385–391) found that 43 percent of women suffer from some type of sexual dysfunction. That’s nearly half of all women! There is a lot of history and research behind how we got to this 43 percent number, but simplifying it comes down to the medicalization of female sexuality.
Dr. Leonore Tiefer is an author, researcher, educator, and therapist who has spoken out against the problems she has seen in viewing female sexuality through a medical lens. Dr. Tiefer uses the metaphors of dancing and digestion.
Dancing is something we learn, a skill that is built over time. Dancing has history and culture that informs it. Our enjoyment of dance, and our participation in it can change throughout our lives. People experience differently, but it is often something we share.
Digestion on the other hand is a process that happens to us. It is something that is consistent over the course of our lives, and deviation from the standard is a problem requiring treatment of some sort. We have healthy digestion and unhealthy digestion. Unless there are problems, we don’t spend much time considering our digestion, and sometimes we feel uncomfortable talking about when things aren’t working the way they’re supposed to.
Dancing is a helpful metaphor for looking at sexuality through a behavioral lens, and digestion is more applicable to a medical model. Both approaches have their place, and certainly those experiencing sexual concerns would be wise to rule out obvious medical issues, but Dr. Tiefer suggests we spend more time considering the cultural, educational, behavioral and relational issues that impact female sexual health.
You’ve decided you want to be
together forever. Now what?
Whether our relationships are old or new, there a few important topics that I believe should be discussed before long term commitment or marriage. At times, we think we know our partner inside and out. I have outlined four important topics that can be a starting point of conversation to set our relationships up for success.
How do we feel about kids?
Each partner needs to discuss what they are expecting in terms of wanting kids, not wanting kids, or how many kids each partner envisions. Does one partner only one or maybe two children while the other wants four or five? Once you have an understanding what each partner wants, you can discuss whether there is any flexibility in their wants. This should be an ongoing conversation with your partner as road bumps happen along the road, including infertility or that one partner no longer wants more children. What if one partner wants to change directions in their career and be a stay at home parent? These are all important things to not only talk about, but truly understand our partner’s wants and desires.
Conflict and Communication
SPOILER ALERT: Conflict will happen
in your marriage! It is not whether you have conflict or not that determines if
your relationship will last; it is how you handle conflict. It can be easy to
develop poor communication habits with your partner. These bad habits can
include stonewalling, holding onto resentments, or not giving your partner
space when needed to calm down. If you’re developing any bad habits during your
arguments, or are curious about your communication style, then it might be
helpful to explore some resources. The books Hold Me Tight by Sue
Johnson or Seven Principles forMaking Marriage Work by John
Gottman are a great starting place. You can also seek out a great couple’s therapist!
Time together and alone
When you are in the dating stage you often are inseparable and spend a majority of your time together. While this stage you are learning about each other it is also important to understand what time together and alone will look like once you get married. If our partner had weekly outings with friends to the club, outlets, rock climbing, or a weekend trip will this still be ok once we’re married? Is our partner used to going to the gym alone and has been doing this for years? These various activities can be very important for our partner. If we think that after marriage we want them to change or adjust their habits and the way they spend their time then we need to communicate that now. We cannot expect them to just change while we stay at home and harbor resentment. While time together with our partner fosters a healthy relationship, we also need to foster relationships with friends and family. At times, we may need quality time with close friends or other family members too, or even just alone time to be with our self. It is okay for us to want these things as long as it is something communicated to our partner.
How is our partner allowed to talk with coworkers, friend etc.
When our partner is not with us they
will be among other people at work, the gym, and friends. While this time spent
with others is needed there are some important questions to discuss with your
What are intimate details of our relationship how or should be shared with others? How do we talk to others about our relationship?
What constitutes an emotional affair for your or your partner?
While every situation varies for each couple. It is important to understand what ours or our partner’s behaviors might be. The more we understand them and have conversations about what our relationship boundaries should be then the healthier our relationship is in the long run. If you would be hurt if your partner went to lunch with female co-workers then let them know. If it causes hurt when your partner comments on an ex’s post, let them know! Do not let these things fester and build until serious relationship difficulties come up.
Communication with our partner is essential to building a healthy, lasting relationship. When we have a conversation with our partner about the four topics discussed above and many more, we can then avoid resentment, future conflict, and have healthy boundaries in our relationship. If you would like more information about the topics above, a better understanding of your current relationship, or just want to have a safe place to discuss future and/or current relationship goals reach out to me at (801)-944-4555.
Sex therapy is one area of mental health that
doesn’t always get talked about. Many
individuals feel hesitant to bring up sexual concerns with their therapist,
waiting until later in the therapy process to introduce the topic. Others misunderstand what sex therapy is, and
continue to struggle on their own.
What is sex therapy?
Sex therapy is therapy to improve sexual
functioning and treat sexual dysfunction.
Sex therapy can be done in individual and couples therapy.
What happens in sex therapy?
Just like other areas of therapy, in sex
therapy, the therapist will complete an intake process with the client to
gather information on the nature of the problem and begin to create a treatment
plan. This plan might include goals
about visiting with a medical doctor to rule out or diagnose medical issues.
Is sex therapy safe for my value system?
Just like other areas of therapy, your
therapist is trained to be respectful of and work within their client’s values
system. If you have any concerns that
the content of sex therapy might not fit within your values, talk to the
therapist up front. Talking about our
sexuality with a therapist can be a new experience, and that might feel
uncomfortable, but therapists want to make you feel as safe and at ease as
Will the therapist take sides?
The therapist’s job is not to prove one person
right and one person wrong, but to explore the history and nature of the
concern. The therapist will help the
couple or individual explore their beliefs and values surrounding sex,
identifying and helping to shift harmful or inaccurate beliefs, and provide
resources and educational materials. The therapist will create a safe,
supportive environment as the clients create new, value congruent, healthy
patterns of behavior.
What can a sex therapist help me with?
A sex therapist can provide support, education
and hope in creating sexual wholeness.
They can work with a broad range of sexual issues. Desire discrepancy (where one partner has a
higher or lower libido than the other), problematic sexual behaviors (particularly
compulsive, or what are sometimes referred to as addictive behaviors), LGBTQ
issues (orientation concerns, transitioning, or parenting), trauma, infidelity,
“sexless” marriages, orgasm concerns, ED/premature/delayed ejaculation, painful
intercourse, polyamory, kink, pornography concerns, or resolving
If you have been struggling with an area of
your sexuality or sexual relationships, but have been hesitant to talk about
it, schedule an appointment with Alice at 801-944-4555 today. Sexual health is an important aspect of good
mental health, and you do not need to suffer alone when there is hope and help
If you frequent the many on-line
resources (message boards, blogs, advice columns, podcasts, etc.) related to
dating, specifically dating at a more “advanced” age, you will surely encounter
at least one article about “compatibility” in relationships. What exactly does
compatibility mean? If you read all the advice on the internet, this post
included, then you’ll find that there is a wide array of opinions offered.
Opinions range from the alignment of interests and goals to the notion that
there can’t be any disagreements or conflicts within relationships. However,
according to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary compatibility is, “being capable of existing together in harmony”. Dr. John Gottman (2016), the world-renowned
relationship researcher, described compatibility as, “Agreeability and conscientiousness are the
characteristics that people really mean when they talk about “compatibility.”
These qualities are indexed by a person being able to say things like “Good
point,” or “That’s interesting, tell me more” or, “You may be right, and I may
be wrong” during a disagreement.”
It’s always interesting
to me that couples often fear that they are incompatible if they encounter
conflict within their relationship. Conflict and the ability to address and
resolve it are important aspects to relationships; it says a lot about the
relationship’s strength when a couple or family is willing to confront the
areas of conflict in their relationships. However, there is a myth perpetuated
by society and the media that “healthy” relationships are conflict-free. That’s
an unachievable expectation that can be dangerous to a connected relationship.
How can everyone’s needs
be met if unmet needs can’t be expressed because it is seen as starting a
fight? You’ll notice I changed the wording in my last question from conflict to
fight; I’ve noticed that many times the two words are used interchangeably.
Fight, typically, has a negative connotation that denotes a level of aggression
or force, however. While conflict simply implies a disagreement. Often though,
couples and families see any form of disagreement as a fight and it can feel
dangerous to the relationships. I teach my clients that it’s important to
recognize that you can have a conflict/argument/disagreement and the
relationship can still feel safe. How can you safely have a disagreement? I
believe that if couples can set up a few rules to how they are going to “fight”
that they can maintain safety, not just physical but emotional and
psychological as well. Below I’ve listed a few of the boundaries that I
recommend couples start with while encouraging them to add their own personal
ones that are relevant to their situations:
Use “I” and “me”- if it’s important to you than make sure you are keeping it about who it is important to. “You” statements can feel very blaming.
Keep the volume in check- while some people’s voices get very animated and the volume increases as they get elevated, regardless if it’s from excitement or frustration, it can be very scary. No yelling and screaming!!!
Keep the language respectful. Personal attacks on character, name calling, mocking, being sarcastic, condescending, or patronizing are all ways that can leave people feeling devalued and demoralized.
Telling your partner how they do or should be feeling. Everyone is entitled to their feelings regardless of whether they make sense to others. Use this as an opportunity to be curious about your partner and their experience.
Timeouts aren’t just for kids. A negotiated and stated 20-minute timeout to re-group and calm down can do wonders for a disagreement while reinforcing the importance of safety in the relationship.
Conflict is an important part of relationships, as Dr. Gottman said they introduce diversity and make relationships more interesting. Additionally, they can be used as avenues to deepen our connections with partners by exposing and discussing vulnerabilities. However, for a conflict to be an opportunity to grow it must feel safe for both parties to express those vulnerabilities. Fight for your relationships and connections, not against them!