1. Get emotionally naked first
This may come as a surprise to you, but sex begins long before you make it to the bedroom. Many people report needing to feel emotionally close to their partner before they get physically close to their partner. Sex can be the most vulnerable you become with another person and so you need to feel safe emotionally with your partner. What does emotional intimacy look like? I have heard many couples describe this as feeling “connected”. To become more emotionally intimate you can spend more quality time with your partner. Be open with each other. Share your thoughts and feelings with one another. Try talking about things that don’t revolve around the tasks of running a household. Share your fears, sorrows, dreams, and excitement for life. Play together. This could be as simple as laughing with one another or doing something new together. Make sure you spend quality alone time to develop emotional intimacy and build trust with your partner.
2. Know your body
This may seem a bit elementary, but I assure you, many people aren’t familiar with their own anatomy, especially if they come from families in which it wasn’t standard to be open about sexuality. Be curious about your body and how it works. You may need to do a little research or refresher course on how your sexual organs function. Do you know the stages your body goes through during sex? Most people I talk to (especially women) can’t ever remember seeing their own anatomy. Use a mirror and investigate. It’s pretty hard to help someone reach a destination when you are unaware of the geography.
3. Know what lights your fire
It is one thing to know your body and a totally different thing to know what arouses you. Learn what stimulates you. Are there certain ways or places you like to be touched? Are there things that you know you don’t enjoy? Know what these things are. Do you have any sexual fantasies or things you have always wanted to try? Fantasies can lie anywhere on a wide spectrum from being touched a certain way to dressing up or trying new positions. Most people have imagined something they would enjoy doing with their partner. These are all important and healthy components to enjoying sexual intimacy. Know what excites you.
4. Communicate your needs
Depending on how you were raised and the culture of your relationship, you may or may not talk to your partner about sex. Some couples struggle being open and talking about sex with one another. I always tell couples, if you are able to have sex with each other, you should be able to talk about having sex with each other. It is okay to tell your partner what you need. Do not expect your partner to read your mind and know what feels good to you. Some reasons people keep quiet may include being shy, fear of being turned down, being a person who doesn’t typically request things of others, or being afraid to hurt your partner’s feelings. All of these concerns are valid. If you stretch yourself and talk to your partner in a kind loving way about what you need it will likely be well received. There is no need to be critical of existing behaviors, just invite new behaviors that are more pleasing. Most people find sex more enjoyable when they know they can give their partner what they need.
5. Let yourself go!
When all is said and done, it is still your responsibility to make sure you enjoy sexual intimacy. No matter what your partner says or does you are the only person who can control your mind and body. Stress and anxiety are the number one killers of sexual intimacy. Many people complain that they are too stressed or tired to be intimate. Allow the experience to sweep you into a state of stress free relaxation. Sex can be one of the best stress relievers. Clear your mind, relax your body, and enjoy the experience with your partner. The reward to your relationship and body are far more than the cost of energy exerted.
For more tips on improving your sex life and an exciting evening of fun, food, and fantasy, join us for WFT Date Night Reignite the Romance: Tips for Improving Your Sex Life.
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