Q: I am “in love” with a celebrity male, 29 years older than me. Since I was ten, before I knew his name, I was sexually obsessed with him. That obsession later turned into this “relationship” I made up. I have lost myself, believing that we have many things in common, and that he really loves me even though we never meet. I feel like I will never get over this. I am in a happy relationship now, for over a year, but these sexually desires for this celebrity keep coming back. I come up with these fantasies that his children will love me, his friends want us to be together. I have had a fantasy that he has been looking for me his whole life. I can’t stop.
A: It’s wonderful that you’re wanting to get to the bottom of your obsession by reaching out for help.In order to figure out why this fantasy relationship has such a hold on you, I urge you to dig deeper and discover what this celebrity represents to you, emotionally and relationally. It sounds like in this fantasy love relationship you feel desired, special, treasured, accepted, and embraced by someone special — the very things that we all long for and look for in our love relationships. The problem isn’t in wanting those things, but in holding on to a fantasy that will never really satisfy your needs instead of finding ways to get your emotional needs met in real-life relationships. The intensity of your fantasy and the large age difference between you and and this celebrity makes me suspect that you have a “hole in your soul” regarding an important male relationship in your early life that needs some attention and healing.
Here are a few questions to help you start looking deeper and start to discover what this fantasy is really about and why it is so intense and long-lasting.
- Did you feel loved and accepted by your father?
- Did you have any losses, neglect or abuse involving males in your life?
- When you are thinking about having this celebrities love what emotions, in addition to sexual attraction, come up inside you?
As you sort through your emotions your fantasies will still continue to surface. When they do I recommend framing them in a non-judgmental way that includes identifying what the desires are really about. For example, you might say to yourself, “Hello celebrity obsession. Thanks for letting me know that I still have some emotional healing to do when it comes to my male relationships. I’m working on that. Goodbye” After acknowledging the fantasy, don’t focus on it, but turn to your current relationship for connection and comfort.
If I had more information about your relationship history I could help you make more sense of your obsession. Since I don’t, please consider seeking a counselor to help you get to the emotional root of your obsession and begin to heal your unmet needs. Click on the Psych Central Find Help link to find a psychotherapist in your area to help you move on from this celebrity obsession and find more satisfaction and fulfillment in reality.
Take good care of yourself!
This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column
Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central and Latter-day Woman Magazine.
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